She got angry.
Not a little bit. Just full on.
A colleague had called in sick.
Communicated internally, though.
Not to her.
And there she went.
She walked towards him.
Voice up.
Blame.
Attack.
I asked her: what do you see yourself doing?
Silence.
"Yes... attacks."
"What else?"
"Raise voice."
"Blames."
"Not listening."
Level zero.
And then the interesting thing happened.
What anger gets you
Anger seems powerful.
It feels strong.
You stand for something.
You are clear.
But I asked her:
"What does it get you?"
First:
"Nothing."
But that's never right.
Behaviour always delivers.
Otherwise, we didn't do it.
And slowly it emerged.
Anger delivers her:
- Check
- Attention
- Being seen
Only... in a negative way.
And therein lies the crux.
What lies beneath anger
I asked:
"What are you protecting yourself from?"
Without hesitation:
"Not getting hurt."
Bingo.
Beneath anger there was no power.
There was vulnerability.
Under attack was fear of not being seen.
Among struggles was a need for connection.
And then the group fell silent.
The pattern that costs energy
What happened in the team?
She got angry.
The other retreated.
Or started laughing.
Or quietly solved it himself.
Consequence:
- No real connection
- No clarity
- Energy loss
Everyone adapted.
Nobody really voiced it.
Workarounds.
Not an adult conversation.
The mistake we all make
We think anger helps us.
But anger pushes away.
Just like parents who react angrily when their child returns home after running away.
The function of anger is to create distance.
While the need is often connection.
This is painful.
But also liberating.
The real question
So the question is not, "How do I get less angry?"
With the classic "I just have to count to ten"
The real question is:
- What do I actually feel?
- What need is underneath?
- What do I avoid by getting angry?
In her case, "I don't feel seen."
And you say that other than, "You never communicate!"
You put it this way: "What gets me is that I don't feel included in the planning."
That is mature leadership.
This is not about right or wrong
Blueprint behaviour is not bad.
It was once created as protection.
But what helped you before,
costs you energy now.
And leadership starts with this understanding:
No one can hurt you without your permission.
There is always space between trigger and reaction.
In that space is your freedom.
Reflection for you
What behaviours do you deploy under stress?
- Attack?
- Getting quiet?
- Pleasen?
- Work harder?
- Joking?
- Exit?
And more importantly:
What does it get you?
And what will it cost you?
That is where growth begins.
Not with the other.
At yourself.
Want to get a sharp sense of what triggers are driving your leadership?
No tricks. But clarity on what is underneath your behaviour.
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